Wednesday, 18 July 2018
Emak merupakan anugerah yang paling terhebat yang pernah hadir di dalam hidup aku. Beliau merupakan seorang wanita besi bagi keluarga kami. Selain sentiasa bekerja untuk menampung perbelanjaan keluarga, emak begitu mahir dalam hal-hal kerja rumah dari memasak, mengemas sehingga menjahit. Yang paling menarik, beliau tidak pernah menghadiri mana-mana kelas. Semuanya hasil ‘self-taught’. It was not fancy, but it was unique; one of a kind. The kind that I love the most.
She used to sew a pajama, baju melayu, bedsheet, and curtains. She had the existing items as examples and copy them. And I love them all. In fact, there are some things that I still use. I am forever grateful.
Apart from that, emak also taught us siblings to be independence. Since she had to work everyday, there were no one to take care of us. I was sent to a nanny only up until I was 6 years old. By 7 years old, I learned to iron my own uniforms, get ready for morning school and religious classes on the afternoon. Dad would come back in the afternoon, bought lunch (if Emak had not cook the night before), took a nap and went back to work. It was a routine (which sometimes I broke by skipping religious classes). On the weekend, Emak would do all the house chores; cleaning, washing, dusting etc. I did not offer to help of course, I was forced to. But by 7 years old, I was able to do most thing myself.
Thursday, 17 May 2018
I am expecting this year to be the same. For example, today, the first day of Ramadhan will be me breaking fast alone. I was perfectly okay last year. But I guess the lonely is slowly creeping in. Because this year, I just don’t feel like eating alone, or even being alone.
When I was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago, I could not stop thinking that will be my future. I drove myself to the hospital, got admitted and had nothing on me the whole time I was in the hospital with only a few close friends who come to visit. I was sad because I was lonely. And because I know that future might be real for me. I guess I just need to get use of this profound loneliness and learn to live with it.
Happy Ramadhan and happy new government!
Honestly, I do not feel loved by anyone anymore, at all. Honestly, I am so lonely.
Thursday, 26 April 2018
"Dah keluar hospital ke belum? Nak pergi tengahari ni."
"Harini nak keluar dah."
"Alaa, sempat kot nak pergi kejap."
And he did came. We had lunch together at my room, talked a bit and he left back to work. It was Monday. And later that evening, I was discharged.
Monday, 23 April 2018
I was admitted to the hospital last Friday. Nothing that serious, just the doctor suspected I had lung infection. Had a bronchoscopy procedure done, and continuously taking medication to soothe my cough.
The first person I told about my hospitalization was Asyraf. I wanted him to be concerned of me, to come and visit me. It was noon, before the Friday prayer. He acknowledge my text. But there was no sign of him visiting me during my 4 days warded.
I thought we became close. We went out a few times, had fun in Sunway Lagoon, but I guess that was it. Nothing more.
I had hopes, and once again hope crushes me. I am stopping now. No more crushes. No more hoping for a guy to like me back.