Monday, 24 June 2019

Reflective Journal: Trust Issue

This is a reflective journal. Today I would like to write about trust issue. An issue that affected since few years back. When I went to see my counselor today, I told my counselor about what happened in 2008, when few of my friends told my mother about how I was engaging into sex with my peers. Although that broke me into pieces, I wouldn’t say that it was the cause of my trust issue.

I was actually, I believe caused by how my relationship with Athir just gone intothe thin air for no reason. That is what I am sure of. Athir and I were good friends. We were always together during our foundation days. From roommates to classmates, it was definitely a great comfort to have someone by your side all the time. And even more when our friendship was acknowledge by our circle of friends. Words such as husband-wife, couples were always uttered by others. It was not like there were anything going on between us, nothing. I was just very comfortable with him. We were just good friends, or that was what I thought. Frankly, I was actually quite please for people to be saying those words. It was like a compliment to me, that I was able to show my love for my friends and people could see that.

Until a few months before our final semester ended, Athir suddenly changed. He didn’t come back to the room to sleep. He started hanging out with other friends without me around. Our endless jokes and conversations went to a short hi-bye moment. 
I blamed myself for a moment. I have a potty mouth, and can say mean things once in a while. And sometimes too, I can go overboard. I guess he didn’t like it.

Our friendship went sour. I confronted him for answers, but to no avail. It was only, “Entahlah, Zakwan”, when I asked him the reason for his distancing himself.
After foundation ended, and degree started, I had a resolution. I would not trust people too much. I would not want to get too close to people. I embedded those words into my head. And that what happened for a two semesters, a one whole year. Apart from being depressed due to my sexuality, I was also sad and lonely for not having close friends that I can share things with. At least not until when I met some best friends that I have until now. 

Nevertheless, I guess those words actually went too deep into my head that I now have difficult time to trust people. Especially when I see how people can be double faced, it just scares me. 

But I know I need to change, and move on. I am not sure how, but I will try. I will start with getting to now people, probably from my social gathering and strike a conversation with someone. I am sure a normal conversation won’t hurt. Simple, on the surface conversation should suffice, to combat my loneliness and to create a connection with another human. Of course, people can act differently, behave differently, and have different opinions on things, but that should not be my ultimate concerns especially when making friends. 

It is going to be a difficult journey, but it can be achieved. Gambatte!

Sunday, 7 April 2019

Hello, 2019.

Salam pembuka bicara. It has been few months, or should I say a year, since I last posted an entry here. My life has been too normal, hence the reason I have not been writing. I read somewhere, good writing comes when a person is either too jovial or sad. Being in between (read: boring) doesn’t provide you any good stuffs to pen down.

Nothing much happened in my life, except last year (September 5th, 2018) my dad remarried. Last Tuesday, April 2nd, 2019 was my last day with my first company that I worked right after graduation. It was due to retrenchment, but everything is okay. I immediately got a job and will be starting on May 6th. So, I can still survive yo!
Anyway, I just need to keep the blog alive, hence this gibberish post. I need to berak, Ta¬ta¬.

Wednesday, 18 July 2018

Things I am Grateful (1)

Things I am Grateful : 1) Emak

Emak merupakan anugerah yang paling terhebat yang pernah hadir di dalam hidup aku. Beliau merupakan seorang wanita besi bagi keluarga kami. Selain sentiasa bekerja untuk menampung perbelanjaan keluarga, emak begitu mahir dalam hal-hal kerja rumah dari memasak, mengemas sehingga menjahit. Yang paling menarik, beliau tidak pernah menghadiri mana-mana kelas. Semuanya hasil ‘self-taught’. It was not fancy, but it was unique; one of a kind. The kind that I love the most.

She  used to sew a pajama, baju melayu, bedsheet, and curtains. She had the existing items as examples and copy them. And I love them all. In fact, there are some things that I still use. I am forever grateful.

Apart from that, emak also taught us siblings to be independence. Since she had to work everyday, there were no one to take care of us. I was sent to a nanny only up until I was 6 years old. By 7 years old, I learned to iron my own uniforms, get ready for morning school and religious classes on the afternoon. Dad would come back in the afternoon, bought lunch (if Emak had not cook the night before), took a nap and went back to work. It was a routine (which sometimes I broke by skipping religious classes). On the weekend, Emak would do all the house chores; cleaning, washing, dusting etc. I did not offer to help of course, I was forced to. But by 7 years old, I was able to do most thing myself.

Thursday, 17 May 2018

That Profound Loneliness

Last year of Ramadhan, I spent most iftars alone, in my room. After work, I would stopped at my uni’s bazaar, packed some food enough for me alone, went back home and wait for ifthar. That was mostly my everyday routine.

I am expecting this year to be the same. For example, today, the first day of Ramadhan will be me breaking fast alone. I was perfectly okay last year. But I guess the lonely is slowly creeping in. Because this year, I just don’t feel like eating alone, or even being alone.

When I was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago, I could not stop  thinking that will be my future. I drove myself to the hospital, got admitted and had nothing on me the whole time I was in the hospital with only a few close friends who come to visit. I was sad because I was lonely. And because I know that future might be real for me. I guess I just need to get use of this profound loneliness and learn to live with it.

Happy Ramadhan and happy new government!

Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.

I took the quote from Asyraf’s Instagram.  The moment I read it, I struck deep into my heart. Since Emak passed away, unfortunately I did not feel like going back to my ‘home’ anymore. It was not as exciting as before. I do not have someone who is expecting my return. Someone who would be worried of my where about. Someone who would irritate me with phone calls with question when will I be home. Those are no more.
Honestly, I do not feel loved by anyone anymore, at all. Honestly, I am so lonely.

Thursday, 26 April 2018

The Last Visitor

A few hours before I was discharged, I received a text message.

"Dah keluar hospital ke belum? Nak pergi tengahari ni."
"Harini nak keluar dah."
"Alaa, sempat kot nak pergi kejap."

And he did came. We had lunch together at my room, talked a bit and he left back to work. It was Monday. And later that evening, I was discharged.

Monday, 23 April 2018

No more hoping

I was admitted to the hospital last Friday. Nothing that serious, just the doctor suspected I had lung infection. Had a bronchoscopy procedure done, and continuously taking medication to soothe my cough.

The first person I told about my hospitalization was Asyraf. I wanted him to be concerned of me, to come and visit me. It was noon, before the Friday prayer. He acknowledge my text. But there was no sign of him visiting me during my 4 days warded.

I thought we became close. We went out a few times, had fun in Sunway Lagoon, but I guess that was it. Nothing more.
I had hopes, and once again hope crushes me. I am stopping now. No more crushes. No more hoping for a guy to like me back.