Wednesday, 16 March 2016

When I was 17

I came across this confession. The confessor's parents hate his life choice and his sexuality. They want him to change. They will disown him.

To be frank, I had almost a similar experience when I was 17. I will spare the details on how my parents came to know about what I have been 'doing'. When they found out, both were so devastated. My mom cried every night for a few nights. She lost her appetite as well. I got worried sick for she became like that because of me. And my dad, he did not say much.

I was also crying. Locked myself in my room and refuse to meet anyone. I was young and ignorant back then.

After the incident, mom came to my room. She made me promised to not repeat anything I have done. With such a heavy heart, I did. After all the commotion, mom kept a close eye on me. She sometimes subtly warned me not to get involve in immoral behaviors. However, the saddest and depressing words she ever uttered was she would disown me if she knew I broke my promise.

From that day onward, I lived with cautious. I tried to deny my sexuality. I tried to get closer to God. I tried everything I could to 'change' myself. But I failed!

If you guys noticed, I was quite depressed back then. My posts were all dark and sad. I was in a state of denial, and depression.

However I was lucky, through the effort I did, although I did not 'change', I learned something more precious than that. To accept myself the way I am. Why should I change myself when this is how God has created me. For God hate the sin but not the sinner. I was becoming happy.

Yes, whenever I was home or with my parents, I was always cautious. Not to let them know how I really live. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, but I don't care. The reason is because I love them. I respect them. They have sacrificed their life to raise me, so why can't I show them my respect. If I blatantly go against their wish and will, I will become a rude and a sinful child. No, I do not want that. Hence, I rather pretend.

My parents, they are old. At that time, I didn't know how much longer will thy live. Until that day arrive, I will do my best to love and respect them. That's why, deep in my heart, when my mom passed away, I was happy she could see only the good side of me. I hoped I had done my best to her. I still pray for her, everyday. For my parents are my most precious things I have ever have.

So, you can call me hypocrite all you want.


  1. Sometime kita perlu berlakon jugak depan family ni.
    Coz reality might hurt them.
    Apa jadi agaknya if my parents know about my secret ni

    1. Kan? Kalau kau rasa keluarga kau jenis yang conservative atau religious, cubalah sebaik mungkin tunjuk yang kau ni baik. haha, sebab kita taknak lukakan hati diorang. bagi aku la.

    2. For them LGBT thingy ni is totally taboo la . Based on apa yang aku nampak my parents ni susah nak terima rasanya. So better aku diamkan je la. Kang tak pasal ada drama dibuang keluarga sendiri pulak. Lagi merana hidup aku.

  2. It's okay to be hypocrite .. we share this world together.
    You win some, you lose some. :p

    1. Agreed dengan Nu'man...and what can Amir long as you are happy...and make people around you happy whatever you must do...walaupun terpaksa jadi hypocrite...