Thursday, 17 May 2018

That Profound Loneliness

Last year of Ramadhan, I spent most iftars alone, in my room. After work, I would stopped at my uni’s bazaar, packed some food enough for me alone, went back home and wait for ifthar. That was mostly my everyday routine.

I am expecting this year to be the same. For example, today, the first day of Ramadhan will be me breaking fast alone. I was perfectly okay last year. But I guess the lonely is slowly creeping in. Because this year, I just don’t feel like eating alone, or even being alone.

When I was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago, I could not stop  thinking that will be my future. I drove myself to the hospital, got admitted and had nothing on me the whole time I was in the hospital with only a few close friends who come to visit. I was sad because I was lonely. And because I know that future might be real for me. I guess I just need to get use of this profound loneliness and learn to live with it.

Happy Ramadhan and happy new government!

Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.

I took the quote from Asyraf’s Instagram.  The moment I read it, I struck deep into my heart. Since Emak passed away, unfortunately I did not feel like going back to my ‘home’ anymore. It was not as exciting as before. I do not have someone who is expecting my return. Someone who would be worried of my where about. Someone who would irritate me with phone calls with question when will I be home. Those are no more.
Honestly, I do not feel loved by anyone anymore, at all. Honestly, I am so lonely.